Most of you probably think that Adolf Hitler is dead, some of you know the truth. Adolf Hitler did not take a pill of poison, he merely dropped some acid and in his trip began a journey that we often tell our children before they go to bed (I know I tell it to my children. You don't have children. Not that you, or DFS, know of). The story began in 1952.
There was a war going on then I think, but due to the Ice Age it was a cold war. Adolf Hitler began working as an accountant (Irony, right?). He was living in Long Beach when he decided to get certified as an appraiser for housing, so he moved to Chicago.
Now I don't know what all you know about Chicago in the '50's but it was still a small feudal village ruled by Lord Dugalo. Hitler found much wealth under the rule of Lord Dugalo. However, when he heard that the X-Men were fighting Cuba (or something, I still haven't seen that movie) he knew he would have to use his powers to help.
Hitler then boarded the first unicorn to Narnia where he would ride the Lion fella to London to flip off their "radar." After that he decided to eat some nachos and changed his name to Tim Tebow or however Tebow is spelled (Can't you just look it up, you are on the computer right now? Eh.) which is why I keep hearing his name in other peoples conversations. I don't know why people care so much about Tim Tebow, so he is a good basketball player or something, is it not more impressive that he is Hitler? And now you know how to apply lipstick before a big date.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
What Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryan Gosling Actually Do
Hello there space cadets! Why, we have a show for you. Today, kids, we are going to talk about the cutest couple the world has ever seen, Leo and Ryan! (Don't tell us you are going to talk like that this entire time? Why shouldn't I? It is fun and refreshing. It is stupid and makes us want to kill ourselves. Us? Ourselves? Plural?!? As in more than one!!? CONGRATULATIONS on being the second reader! Myself being the first of course. To celebrate we are not going to talk like stupid heads but instead we are going to get down to business.)
Leo and Ryan became a couple in 1995 the same year the T-Rex went extinct, (science would have you believe it happened a bit sooner but the last T-Rex offed itself after it heard Smells Like Teen Spirit played simultaneously with Wonder Wall). Anyway, they met at a Pepsi Clear convention in Sedona, AZ. and instantly fell in love.
I don't like them, Lori, because I was going to announce that I could read at that very same convention and they ruined my spotlight. So from that point forward I swore to avenge...myself?...by never liking them. Except in Titanic and Leo's appearances in Growing Pains!
Leo and Ryan became a couple in 1995 the same year the T-Rex went extinct, (science would have you believe it happened a bit sooner but the last T-Rex offed itself after it heard Smells Like Teen Spirit played simultaneously with Wonder Wall). Anyway, they met at a Pepsi Clear convention in Sedona, AZ. and instantly fell in love.
I don't like them, Lori, because I was going to announce that I could read at that very same convention and they ruined my spotlight. So from that point forward I swore to avenge...myself?...by never liking them. Except in Titanic and Leo's appearances in Growing Pains!
Friday, October 21, 2011
What Nikki Minaj Actually Does
If you have heard Nikki Minaj's new song what she actually does should be no surprise. Nikki Minaj is a biologist in search of the mysterious Super Bass the largest of all the Bass. The Super Bass is a fish that is attracted to pink Lamborghinis and Airplanes.
The Super Bass was captured by the famous Super Hero/Music Group Earth Wind and Fire back in the day, however the Super Bass was able to befriend a Squirrel/Wizard that resided outside of the Super Bass fish tank. The Wizard Squirrel cast a spell called Katrina that was suppose to summon a really fat chick that would pick up the Super Bass and let it free into the Straight of Gibraltar which is located between Louisiana and Texas. (The Straight of Gibraltar is located in the Mediterranean Sea, you are thinking of the Gulf of Mexico. I am pretty sure it's the Straight of Gibraltar. No, it isn't. Eh.) However, the Wizard Squirrel ended up summoning a big frickin' hurricane which flooded New Orleans. It did still free the Super Bass though.
Nikki Minaj heard Bob Dylan singing about the Hurricane and new that the Super Bass must have gotten free. She then went to her boss Kanye West, King of all the Jews. Yup, Kanye is Jewish, deal. He instructed her to use the pink Lambo and Jet to draw out the Super Bass.
We must stand up and protect the Super Bass, please please please send letters to the only organization that people listen to, PETA the leading protector of ManBearPig. Send PETA your pleas to save the Super Bass from Nikki Minaj. It is endangered and needs your help. All it takes is twenty-five cents a day and you could save the Super Bass ask that bearded dude who is always chilling with foreign kids. He knows.
The Super Bass was captured by the famous Super Hero/Music Group Earth Wind and Fire back in the day, however the Super Bass was able to befriend a Squirrel/Wizard that resided outside of the Super Bass fish tank. The Wizard Squirrel cast a spell called Katrina that was suppose to summon a really fat chick that would pick up the Super Bass and let it free into the Straight of Gibraltar which is located between Louisiana and Texas. (The Straight of Gibraltar is located in the Mediterranean Sea, you are thinking of the Gulf of Mexico. I am pretty sure it's the Straight of Gibraltar. No, it isn't. Eh.) However, the Wizard Squirrel ended up summoning a big frickin' hurricane which flooded New Orleans. It did still free the Super Bass though.
Nikki Minaj heard Bob Dylan singing about the Hurricane and new that the Super Bass must have gotten free. She then went to her boss Kanye West, King of all the Jews. Yup, Kanye is Jewish, deal. He instructed her to use the pink Lambo and Jet to draw out the Super Bass.
We must stand up and protect the Super Bass, please please please send letters to the only organization that people listen to, PETA the leading protector of ManBearPig. Send PETA your pleas to save the Super Bass from Nikki Minaj. It is endangered and needs your help. All it takes is twenty-five cents a day and you could save the Super Bass ask that bearded dude who is always chilling with foreign kids. He knows.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
What Wall Street Protesters Actually Do
Who knows why these people are protesting? It might be because of Wall Street? Maybe they are protesting because I went to Walmart the other day and was 17 cents short of being able to buy a Lion King doll. (A Lion King doll? Yeah, it was $14.00 but after tax I was short. You wouldn't be so poor if you got a real job instead of just writing this crap for money. Jokes on you, I don't even get paid.) Anyway, who knows why these people are protesting? I am being serious, who? (Aren't you suppose to know? Why would you think that? Well you are writing a post about what they do. Oh yeah.)
These protesters are protesting stuff like big business and the fact that CEOs are getting paid loads of money and of course that their hippy dippy stores are getting manhandled out of business by these big bad corporations. Of course they don't consider the fact that they have to buy things from these companies in order for said companies to continue to prosper. The groups, made up mostly of liberals, voted for President Obama who is the reason many of these companies are still so big and bad via his bailout. Of course we all know Obama is just a robot designed by the aliens at the end of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls so that doesn't really matter anyway.
While these people are protesting what are they using to communicate with their fellow protesters? iPhones, Facebook, Twitter, HP computers and all while they eat food from Walmart, bank at a bank (They are all horrible people. Bankers? No banks, banks are horrible people. You know horses are horrible people too, and ducks, bridges? Small rocks! Churches!)
What makes me angry is that they complain because the CEOs are making so much money. Put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you accept that much money? I know I would. (I would take a pool of hundred dollar bills and throw a bond-fire, then sprinkle the ashes in some farmers crop to help fertilize the soil. That way they couldn't get mad at me for not giving back). The protesters get mad at anyone successful, which isn't right because many of them deserve to be. (How about you protesters? What have you done?) Some of them made their own way in life from the ground up and they do not deserve the angry protesting of an uneducated and ungrateful mass.
Some of the protesters are getting paid by someone to protest and don't even care, many others are just doing it to join in the band wagon (Aren't you a Patriots fan, as well as a Yankees fan and a Manchester United fan? Yeah but that was before they got good. The Yankees? Pssh, you don't know me. Logan, you are typing this, all of this, even this in the italicized letters. No one is talking to you. Well I'm rubber your glue...Hold on, phone call...Who is it?...Protest?...Where?...Who?...Oh you don't know why put a lot of people are going?...I might get paid?...Of course I'll come protest. Was that about a Wall Street protest? Yeah, a bunch of people are going to protest something, I am really lonely and there will be people there. Plus you don't ever read this so I have no money and they might pay me. You just wrote an entire article on how much the protesters suck. No I didn't, this was all just a ruse. To do what? Look over there, something shiny).
These protesters are protesting stuff like big business and the fact that CEOs are getting paid loads of money and of course that their hippy dippy stores are getting manhandled out of business by these big bad corporations. Of course they don't consider the fact that they have to buy things from these companies in order for said companies to continue to prosper. The groups, made up mostly of liberals, voted for President Obama who is the reason many of these companies are still so big and bad via his bailout. Of course we all know Obama is just a robot designed by the aliens at the end of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls so that doesn't really matter anyway.
While these people are protesting what are they using to communicate with their fellow protesters? iPhones, Facebook, Twitter, HP computers and all while they eat food from Walmart, bank at a bank (They are all horrible people. Bankers? No banks, banks are horrible people. You know horses are horrible people too, and ducks, bridges? Small rocks! Churches!)
What makes me angry is that they complain because the CEOs are making so much money. Put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn't you accept that much money? I know I would. (I would take a pool of hundred dollar bills and throw a bond-fire, then sprinkle the ashes in some farmers crop to help fertilize the soil. That way they couldn't get mad at me for not giving back). The protesters get mad at anyone successful, which isn't right because many of them deserve to be. (How about you protesters? What have you done?) Some of them made their own way in life from the ground up and they do not deserve the angry protesting of an uneducated and ungrateful mass.
Some of the protesters are getting paid by someone to protest and don't even care, many others are just doing it to join in the band wagon (Aren't you a Patriots fan, as well as a Yankees fan and a Manchester United fan? Yeah but that was before they got good. The Yankees? Pssh, you don't know me. Logan, you are typing this, all of this, even this in the italicized letters. No one is talking to you. Well I'm rubber your glue...Hold on, phone call...Who is it?...Protest?...Where?...Who?...Oh you don't know why put a lot of people are going?...I might get paid?...Of course I'll come protest. Was that about a Wall Street protest? Yeah, a bunch of people are going to protest something, I am really lonely and there will be people there. Plus you don't ever read this so I have no money and they might pay me. You just wrote an entire article on how much the protesters suck. No I didn't, this was all just a ruse. To do what? Look over there, something shiny).
Thursday, September 22, 2011
What Taylor Lautner Actually Does
Besides make me angry that I can't watch that movie about the kid with the parents that aren't his and the spy stuff and what not, Taylor Lautner gets his name mispronounced a lot. That is what comes to most peoples minds when they think of what Taylor Lautner does. Only you Logan. Come on, are you telling me you aren't angry too? We are, but first thing we think of is sexy wolf boy. I really need to get some guys to read this, boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs, that should do it.
There is much more to this 12 year old boy than meets the eye. By day he is a prepubescent boy, but by night he is actually...you guessed it...George Michael. (Sound of minds BLOWING). Yes, the seven year old actor Taylor Lautner is actually the same person that gave us Jitterbug and got arrested at least twice for gay bathroom sex. You may be wondering how this is possible? We are sure you are going to tell us.
In 1492 Columbus discovered the Americas, a little while later Cortez conquered the Aztec Empire. When he did so he met with a counsel of elders that were announcers for ESPN the Aztec. The announcers described in great detail, especially Aztec John Madden, the location of a magic land called El Fiesta or, in translated into English, the Opossum. So Cortez searched for the magical Opossum land. When he could no longer search he left a note in a bottle and buried it.
Several years later, probably around 1771 a man was on the run from the Revolution stuff that was going on. He ran all the way through Indian country (although lost all his money at the Wampum and Pipe Casino) and into Central America. He desperately lusted after the casino and began to dig for truffles so that he might sell them and be able to gamble again. In doing so he found the bottle with the tale of the magic land.
He had seen many Opossum in America and new that he could find his fortune if he returned. This man of course was George Michael. You probably know that George Michael is gay, no worries girls he isn't when he is Taylor Lautner, well actually he is but we will get to that later. Gay people do not know how to do anything, so of course he was not able to find his way back. He ended up in Nevada and started his own casino and called it Caesar's Palace, around it other homosexuals gathered and did stuff.
Over time George Michael began to come out of the closet (it was dark in there and his leg had fallen asleep). So he activated the Opossum power and created a new being. He conducted a ritual that would turn him into the perfect mate for whomever he was thinking about, sadly Thriller came on the radio right before the ritual finished and he became Taylor Lautner, looks like an eight year old boy, whines like a seventeen year old hoe sack. It is this that makes his voice so high and the reason he is not gay is that, he is actually a girl? Are you asking us? Asking you what? Asking if he is a girl? There is a question mark at the end of the sentence. Oh, I just thought that that was a fancy exclamation mark. You know because it is squiggly. You're retarded. Debby! Next. DEBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYY! That makes no sense. We do not get your obscure reference to something that has no relevance to anything you talked about. You are all just jealous because I have this awesome blog and you have nothing. Is this blog all you have? Why are you even here? Because I have no where else to go (sobbing). Here we go again.
There is much more to this 12 year old boy than meets the eye. By day he is a prepubescent boy, but by night he is actually...you guessed it...George Michael. (Sound of minds BLOWING). Yes, the seven year old actor Taylor Lautner is actually the same person that gave us Jitterbug and got arrested at least twice for gay bathroom sex. You may be wondering how this is possible? We are sure you are going to tell us.
In 1492 Columbus discovered the Americas, a little while later Cortez conquered the Aztec Empire. When he did so he met with a counsel of elders that were announcers for ESPN the Aztec. The announcers described in great detail, especially Aztec John Madden, the location of a magic land called El Fiesta or, in translated into English, the Opossum. So Cortez searched for the magical Opossum land. When he could no longer search he left a note in a bottle and buried it.
Several years later, probably around 1771 a man was on the run from the Revolution stuff that was going on. He ran all the way through Indian country (although lost all his money at the Wampum and Pipe Casino) and into Central America. He desperately lusted after the casino and began to dig for truffles so that he might sell them and be able to gamble again. In doing so he found the bottle with the tale of the magic land.
He had seen many Opossum in America and new that he could find his fortune if he returned. This man of course was George Michael. You probably know that George Michael is gay, no worries girls he isn't when he is Taylor Lautner, well actually he is but we will get to that later. Gay people do not know how to do anything, so of course he was not able to find his way back. He ended up in Nevada and started his own casino and called it Caesar's Palace, around it other homosexuals gathered and did stuff.
Over time George Michael began to come out of the closet (it was dark in there and his leg had fallen asleep). So he activated the Opossum power and created a new being. He conducted a ritual that would turn him into the perfect mate for whomever he was thinking about, sadly Thriller came on the radio right before the ritual finished and he became Taylor Lautner, looks like an eight year old boy, whines like a seventeen year old hoe sack. It is this that makes his voice so high and the reason he is not gay is that, he is actually a girl? Are you asking us? Asking you what? Asking if he is a girl? There is a question mark at the end of the sentence. Oh, I just thought that that was a fancy exclamation mark. You know because it is squiggly. You're retarded. Debby! Next. DEBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYY! That makes no sense. We do not get your obscure reference to something that has no relevance to anything you talked about. You are all just jealous because I have this awesome blog and you have nothing. Is this blog all you have? Why are you even here? Because I have no where else to go (sobbing). Here we go again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
What Anne Hathaway Actually Does
Nothing. She does nothing. She doesn't act, she just stands around and gets filmed. She doesn't even play different characters in movies, her roles are suppose to be different but she just acts the same in all of them. She doesn't do anything funny or interesting. She ruins Batman, I saw a picture of her in the new movie and she may literally kill the movie. She is just a very uninteresting person. Am I the only person who realizes this? Think of one thing she does neat? You can't. She does nothing
Thursday, September 15, 2011
What Cowboys Really Do
Moo, moo, moo. Cowboys have wrangled cows in the wild west for thousands of years. Logan, cowboys haven't even been around for 200 years. You are thinking negative my friend, you need to get out more and be an active member of society. Is that what you call writing this crap alone? I'ml not alone I'm in public. Oh so you are one of those guys who writes out in public even though you aren't very good because you just want attention? Yes I am, I mean, nooooo.
Anywho, Cowboys began ca 9000 B.C.E. when dinosaurs ruled the earth. Dinosaurs were already dead. Um, yeah, because of all the Cowboys. Besides, not all the dinosaurs were dead, birds are dinosaurs. Your mom's a dinosaur. How did you know?
The Cowboys decided that dinosaurs were too dangerous and would eat all of the people. To prevent this from happening the Cowboys road their rocket horses into space and wrangled up a meteorite. They drove the meteor to earth where it exploded. This is the story you probably heard in elementary school. What your teacher didn't tell you is that the meteor didn't actually do any damage to anything, there was something secret inside of the meteor, Andy Dick.
They don't explain this to you in school because it takes some following to understand. First, dinosaurs are inherently cool, that is why you buy them as toys and watch Jurassic Park even though Jeff Goldbloom is the only good actor (take that Colonel Sanders). Since they are cool they must be cool. Andy Dick, however, is uncool. He is so uncool that being around him makes even the coolest of things uncool (except He-Man nothing makes He-Man uncool). This created diminished the equilibrium of coolness which made all the dinosaurs move to the moon.
So next time you think to yourself, "Man, I really love cereal," remember that you can eat that cereal thanks to the men and women who died serving our country. We were talking about dinosaurs and cowboys and stuff. Oh. So next time you wonder why there are no dinosaurs remember that James Bond killed them all because he is so awesome. You said Andy Dick killed them because he is so uncool. No I didn't. It says so right up there, you didn't even bother to change your story you just made up an ending that makes no sense. Prove it.
Anywho, Cowboys began ca 9000 B.C.E. when dinosaurs ruled the earth. Dinosaurs were already dead. Um, yeah, because of all the Cowboys. Besides, not all the dinosaurs were dead, birds are dinosaurs. Your mom's a dinosaur. How did you know?
The Cowboys decided that dinosaurs were too dangerous and would eat all of the people. To prevent this from happening the Cowboys road their rocket horses into space and wrangled up a meteorite. They drove the meteor to earth where it exploded. This is the story you probably heard in elementary school. What your teacher didn't tell you is that the meteor didn't actually do any damage to anything, there was something secret inside of the meteor, Andy Dick.
They don't explain this to you in school because it takes some following to understand. First, dinosaurs are inherently cool, that is why you buy them as toys and watch Jurassic Park even though Jeff Goldbloom is the only good actor (take that Colonel Sanders). Since they are cool they must be cool. Andy Dick, however, is uncool. He is so uncool that being around him makes even the coolest of things uncool (except He-Man nothing makes He-Man uncool). This created diminished the equilibrium of coolness which made all the dinosaurs move to the moon.
So next time you think to yourself, "Man, I really love cereal," remember that you can eat that cereal thanks to the men and women who died serving our country. We were talking about dinosaurs and cowboys and stuff. Oh. So next time you wonder why there are no dinosaurs remember that James Bond killed them all because he is so awesome. You said Andy Dick killed them because he is so uncool. No I didn't. It says so right up there, you didn't even bother to change your story you just made up an ending that makes no sense. Prove it.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
What Lonely People Actually Do
I have recently began my first year at college. It is the first time since kindergarten that I have not known people at my school. My first week I generally ate alone, I am a commuter so I didn't even have a roommate that was forced to be somewhat friendly with me. I know that most of the time I use bad humor and make jokes about people like Andy Dick or Stacy from What Not to Wear. (Logan you haven't made fun of either of them. I haven't? No. Well I should have.) Sometimes I even make fun of poor helpless animals like the horrifying beast that is your mom. (Weren't you just talking about how you are a loser with no friends? I have three friends now thank you, and two of them are real. Or one of them, when you are as lonely as me reality gets a bit jumbled.)
Anyway, I am currently sitting at my college writing this post looking at this guy who looks like he is having the same issue. I have been here for about three weeks now and have established a small group of pretty close friends. These are people that I feel very close to, which I never really had even in high school. I am not lonely anymore, but this guy seems to be. I am about to talk to him, but no one talked to me. Maybe it is because I feel like I should be a better person or maybe just because I can understand when before I did not.
Lonely people long to not be lonely. It is human nature. I am not going to say that people don't ever want to be alone, but no one wants to be lonely. So, to the two of you (I think there are two if Lori's friend is reading this poop still, see what I did I tried to make you feel important. They don't read it Logan, you have to put your own words in italics like someone else is replying just to cope with how pathetic you are. Um, I don't do that. You are literally doing it right now. Pshh, you must be crazy. Logan? *crying* I just want to be loved alright? I just want to be loved.)
I am challenging everyone who reads this to talk to someone who looks lonely and then tell me about it. (When will you tell us the real hard facts again Logan? When I have created a new world, a better world, probably tomorrow.)
Anyway, I am currently sitting at my college writing this post looking at this guy who looks like he is having the same issue. I have been here for about three weeks now and have established a small group of pretty close friends. These are people that I feel very close to, which I never really had even in high school. I am not lonely anymore, but this guy seems to be. I am about to talk to him, but no one talked to me. Maybe it is because I feel like I should be a better person or maybe just because I can understand when before I did not.
Lonely people long to not be lonely. It is human nature. I am not going to say that people don't ever want to be alone, but no one wants to be lonely. So, to the two of you (I think there are two if Lori's friend is reading this poop still, see what I did I tried to make you feel important. They don't read it Logan, you have to put your own words in italics like someone else is replying just to cope with how pathetic you are. Um, I don't do that. You are literally doing it right now. Pshh, you must be crazy. Logan? *crying* I just want to be loved alright? I just want to be loved.)
I am challenging everyone who reads this to talk to someone who looks lonely and then tell me about it. (When will you tell us the real hard facts again Logan? When I have created a new world, a better world, probably tomorrow.)
What Snookie Actually Does
Long before the dawn of time there was a really ok-ish looking being. This being, however, wanted to be beautiful and pure. The being who was only so-so on the attractiveness scale wanted to cast all the ugliness and stupididy out.
He/she (both?) created the universe. With a giant cosmos the being could banish the side of himself/herslef he/she (it?) called Snookie. So it did. Of course Snookie is a woman because the being wanted to be awesome which means it needed to cast out the woman side of itself (you're the one believing this creation story don't get mad at me).
Snookie floated in space only stoppy when near red suns for tans and at the Vegas Bomb galaxy to party. Eventually Snookie found a nice peaceful planet named Earth.
She was not accepted by us however (she is a monsterous being of alien proportions you know... and fake proportions. Get it? Fake boobs and tan and hair and whatnot? If you aren't going to laugh at my jokes don't bother reading my blog. Just kidding please keep reading... Hello?... I love you?)
She was put in a zoo called the Jersey Shore due to her being an awful person (partially because she is an alien or something, I slept wrote the start of this. Who are we talking about? Malcom in the Middle?) Well then Reese was being all mean to Malcom and Malcom had a sidebar with the camera and the end. You know the episode I'm talking about right? Screw you I'm spent.
He/she (both?) created the universe. With a giant cosmos the being could banish the side of himself/herslef he/she (it?) called Snookie. So it did. Of course Snookie is a woman because the being wanted to be awesome which means it needed to cast out the woman side of itself (you're the one believing this creation story don't get mad at me).
Snookie floated in space only stoppy when near red suns for tans and at the Vegas Bomb galaxy to party. Eventually Snookie found a nice peaceful planet named Earth.
She was not accepted by us however (she is a monsterous being of alien proportions you know... and fake proportions. Get it? Fake boobs and tan and hair and whatnot? If you aren't going to laugh at my jokes don't bother reading my blog. Just kidding please keep reading... Hello?... I love you?)
She was put in a zoo called the Jersey Shore due to her being an awful person (partially because she is an alien or something, I slept wrote the start of this. Who are we talking about? Malcom in the Middle?) Well then Reese was being all mean to Malcom and Malcom had a sidebar with the camera and the end. You know the episode I'm talking about right? Screw you I'm spent.
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Friday, May 20, 2011
What Donald Trump Actually Does
Run for president, own a business, fire people…oh wait, he does not run for president. Monotone sarcastic whaaaaaaaattt. Well we knew that if he became president he would just try to fire the supreme court anyway, and the congress, and the leaders of other nations. Chances are we would be living in Trumpolopia, or Trumpland, maybe Trumpopolis? Regardless there would be many more suits. (“Suit…wait for it…up!” Thank you you Neil. “Legen..wait for it…” I got it Neil, love the show, jeeze.)
The question is, would Trump running be good or bad? He is a business man and our economy sucks worse than you did in prison (High five Neil? “No, you didn’t let me finish my catch phrase.” Fine. “Dairy! High five!”) Back on topic. I am not sure he is the right kind of business man for our country. Yes I am tired of political science majors being the only politicians, but a business man like that has too many conflicted interests. Like the interest rate on my loan, am I right? Not our fault you spend all your money on Pokemon cards, we save our money and invest in long term IRA’s. Cough, bullshit, cough. And its Magic cards not Pokemon, no one cool goes after first gen. Pokemon. Besides, this country is controlled enough by the media as it is, do we need a media man controlling the nation? No we need Bruce Willis to yippy-ki-yay this shit. Take that terrorists.
I believe our next president should be one that is strong, fair, and a good diplomat. Natalie Portman come on up. Not old enough Logan. Damn, but she is pretty, went to Harvard, can dance, was the queen of a planet, a senator, worked with gorillas, and is pretty. Not old enough. Well I will be back, I have to go rewrite the Constitution to let Natalie Portman do whatever the hell she wants.
Back, I remembered that I am broke when I got in my car. Man gas costs too much, our next president should fix that. I bet Natalie could. Still not old enough. Damn.
The question is, would Trump running be good or bad? He is a business man and our economy sucks worse than you did in prison (High five Neil? “No, you didn’t let me finish my catch phrase.” Fine. “Dairy! High five!”) Back on topic. I am not sure he is the right kind of business man for our country. Yes I am tired of political science majors being the only politicians, but a business man like that has too many conflicted interests. Like the interest rate on my loan, am I right? Not our fault you spend all your money on Pokemon cards, we save our money and invest in long term IRA’s. Cough, bullshit, cough. And its Magic cards not Pokemon, no one cool goes after first gen. Pokemon. Besides, this country is controlled enough by the media as it is, do we need a media man controlling the nation? No we need Bruce Willis to yippy-ki-yay this shit. Take that terrorists.
I believe our next president should be one that is strong, fair, and a good diplomat. Natalie Portman come on up. Not old enough Logan. Damn, but she is pretty, went to Harvard, can dance, was the queen of a planet, a senator, worked with gorillas, and is pretty. Not old enough. Well I will be back, I have to go rewrite the Constitution to let Natalie Portman do whatever the hell she wants.
Back, I remembered that I am broke when I got in my car. Man gas costs too much, our next president should fix that. I bet Natalie could. Still not old enough. Damn.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
What PlayStation Actually Does
As we have all seen recently PlayStation has been hacked...or has it? PlayStation was not hacked, it is actually in cahoots with Al-Qaeda. Bin Laden's spider senses were tingling so he had the one indian guy in his possy who was also tech support for PlayStation hack the Network to listen to President Obama's conversations over COD.
The indian instead just told his boss what was going on who in turn asked his boss until the entire company was in on the action. (Logan, why did they do it? For Lazy Cakes. Why is there a link to that, did they pay you? I wish, you guys don't even read enough for me to buy a gum ball, at this point anything. So start reading and telling your friends before I start a labor union. Oh, linked so you can see what the hell it is, duh.) Anyway, PlayStation recovered Obama yelling at Nazis, cursing out children who were talking smack on his momma, and debating whether or not to change...his gamer tag.
Luckily, Obama heard a man with a distinctive arabic accent speak on the network and had the CIA track it to Bin Laden's lair in Pakistan. That is why the Network came back so closely to the time Bin Laden was killed.
The indian instead just told his boss what was going on who in turn asked his boss until the entire company was in on the action. (Logan, why did they do it? For Lazy Cakes. Why is there a link to that, did they pay you? I wish, you guys don't even read enough for me to buy a gum ball, at this point anything. So start reading and telling your friends before I start a labor union. Oh, linked so you can see what the hell it is, duh.) Anyway, PlayStation recovered Obama yelling at Nazis, cursing out children who were talking smack on his momma, and debating whether or not to change...his gamer tag.
Luckily, Obama heard a man with a distinctive arabic accent speak on the network and had the CIA track it to Bin Laden's lair in Pakistan. That is why the Network came back so closely to the time Bin Laden was killed.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
What Rebecca Black Actually Does
Today is Friday everybody! (No it isn't today is Tuesday. Damn, I didn't know I was passed out so long, last time I drink and direct airplane traffic. Stop with these jokes for a while, really, too soon. Awe shoo, well I guess I will have to quit my traffic controller job and do something safer. I hear nuclear power plant workers in Japan get paid a lot and that it is a safe working enviroment. STOP IT. Fine.) Tomorrow is Saturday, well actually Wednesday.
Rebecca Black, internet sensation, knows what is up. In the minds of thirteen year old kids who have no idea how the real world works. Rebecca Black is actually, in reality, an immortal Miyan calandar maker. She actually doesn't know much English which is why her grammar is so horrible in her song. She looked to the Miyan god of something or the other, Justin Beiber, and he told her that a new calandar needs to be created. She then realized she didn't know dates or days of the week.
Black studied for many moons and finally learned the weekend, not Monday-Thursday but the weekend. She became so excited that she decided to make a music video so everyone could know the weekend. It could have been a good music video but being immortal, Black, did not know the customs of thirteen year old American children (like that they can't drive and that they have school on Friday not just the thought of school in the morning) and because she spoke mostley Miyan and Elvish (the Miyans loved the work of Tolkein) she did not know proper grammar either.
Unknowingly, the song "Friday" has started the appocolypse. Beiber the god of something or the other in the Miyan culture decided that the world should end in 2012 so he influenced Black in a way as to get this song public. We will all kill ourselves by 2012 because of the ten annoying as hell people who keep this song in circulation. Before long other stupid things will become super famous: Snuggies, cartoons that aren't from the 90's, shows that only get you Lost... (Logan...that is kind of how things are right now. (Pulls Trigger. BANG).
Rebecca Black, internet sensation, knows what is up. In the minds of thirteen year old kids who have no idea how the real world works. Rebecca Black is actually, in reality, an immortal Miyan calandar maker. She actually doesn't know much English which is why her grammar is so horrible in her song. She looked to the Miyan god of something or the other, Justin Beiber, and he told her that a new calandar needs to be created. She then realized she didn't know dates or days of the week.
Black studied for many moons and finally learned the weekend, not Monday-Thursday but the weekend. She became so excited that she decided to make a music video so everyone could know the weekend. It could have been a good music video but being immortal, Black, did not know the customs of thirteen year old American children (like that they can't drive and that they have school on Friday not just the thought of school in the morning) and because she spoke mostley Miyan and Elvish (the Miyans loved the work of Tolkein) she did not know proper grammar either.
Unknowingly, the song "Friday" has started the appocolypse. Beiber the god of something or the other in the Miyan culture decided that the world should end in 2012 so he influenced Black in a way as to get this song public. We will all kill ourselves by 2012 because of the ten annoying as hell people who keep this song in circulation. Before long other stupid things will become super famous: Snuggies, cartoons that aren't from the 90's, shows that only get you Lost... (Logan...that is kind of how things are right now. (Pulls Trigger. BANG).
Sunday, April 24, 2011
What Glenn Beck Actually Does
Many of you know that Mr. Beck had recently been fired. For those of you who did not you are either very young, in a hole somewhere (Alice Cooper your cave in the middle of Arizona counts), or very un-interested in news. If you do not know who Glenn Beck, you should.
Born in a manger sometime within 1,000,000 years Glenn Beck was the son of the ex-virgin Mrs. Beck. He had a peculiar talent, from then till now Glenn Beck has had, "the gift." Being clervoient Mr. Beck has never actually been wrong about anything. He pretended to be wrong so that people wouldn't catch on.
This was a good thing for Beck, until recently. He was chillin' all 'lax' and actin' all cool and shootin' some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of republicans who were up to no good starting making trouble in his upper middle class white neighborhood, he got in one little fight and fox got scared and said you're fired for getting super angry at the one black person in Bel Aire. The black person ended up being John Stewart, and the retaliation that followed was one with more deaths than anyone could have ever imagined.
The democrats had a secret base in a nuclear plant in Japan so Beck and his crew desided to light a sack of poop on the front door, the fire from said poo caused the plant to over heat and now everything has gone to hell. (Damn Logan we told you, it is too soon. Still? Yes, still, we will tell you when it is ok. Fine).
He pulled up to his house about seven or eight and yelled to his maid, "Yo, Loretta come give me some flavor." He looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, glad he's not Palin killing dragons and bears.
Born in a manger sometime within 1,000,000 years Glenn Beck was the son of the ex-virgin Mrs. Beck. He had a peculiar talent, from then till now Glenn Beck has had, "the gift." Being clervoient Mr. Beck has never actually been wrong about anything. He pretended to be wrong so that people wouldn't catch on.
This was a good thing for Beck, until recently. He was chillin' all 'lax' and actin' all cool and shootin' some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of republicans who were up to no good starting making trouble in his upper middle class white neighborhood, he got in one little fight and fox got scared and said you're fired for getting super angry at the one black person in Bel Aire. The black person ended up being John Stewart, and the retaliation that followed was one with more deaths than anyone could have ever imagined.
The democrats had a secret base in a nuclear plant in Japan so Beck and his crew desided to light a sack of poop on the front door, the fire from said poo caused the plant to over heat and now everything has gone to hell. (Damn Logan we told you, it is too soon. Still? Yes, still, we will tell you when it is ok. Fine).
He pulled up to his house about seven or eight and yelled to his maid, "Yo, Loretta come give me some flavor." He looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, glad he's not Palin killing dragons and bears.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
What Weird Al Actually Does
Many people have seen Weird Al in music videos and on CD covers, but it wasn't always so. He was born on April 22, 1836 and named Weird Phillip Francis Al. His childhood was challenging, while he went to church and came from aristocracy, he had two middle names and that made him a black sheep in the community.
Much like the elves those, like Weird Al, who were born of Amish decent live prolonged lives. This allowed Mr. Al to achieve many things such as writing many works under the pen name of Henry David Thoreau. Later in his life he found his passion of shoe making and became an amish shoemaker.
He lived a charmed life raising barns and crafting the finest shoes in New England. His shoes were so fine in quality that everyone forgot about him having two first names. In 1983 Mr. Al was accused and convicted by his den of aminites of the crime of having no facial hair. This was the last straw for Weird Phillip Francis Al and he left the herd behind. One simply does not stray from their amish flock, no, to leave a pack of aminites one must break their most important rule "thou shalt not write nor perform satirical song, poetry, or improv on that show with Drew Carry."
Al had a hard time at first, never before being without his amish school. Just as he was about to get a job working the sound board for The View he found his one shot out of hell. He made a rant about how good amish life was and someone put it to a rap tune and laughed. From then on Weird Al would just write true songs and make people believe they are satirical, thus breaking his bond with the imortal Aminites and marrieing his one true love Aragorn son of Dennis the Shrubber cousin of Ellen Degeneris or however you spell it.
And so ends a Hobbits Tale by Bilbo Baggins.
Much like the elves those, like Weird Al, who were born of Amish decent live prolonged lives. This allowed Mr. Al to achieve many things such as writing many works under the pen name of Henry David Thoreau. Later in his life he found his passion of shoe making and became an amish shoemaker.
He lived a charmed life raising barns and crafting the finest shoes in New England. His shoes were so fine in quality that everyone forgot about him having two first names. In 1983 Mr. Al was accused and convicted by his den of aminites of the crime of having no facial hair. This was the last straw for Weird Phillip Francis Al and he left the herd behind. One simply does not stray from their amish flock, no, to leave a pack of aminites one must break their most important rule "thou shalt not write nor perform satirical song, poetry, or improv on that show with Drew Carry."
Al had a hard time at first, never before being without his amish school. Just as he was about to get a job working the sound board for The View he found his one shot out of hell. He made a rant about how good amish life was and someone put it to a rap tune and laughed. From then on Weird Al would just write true songs and make people believe they are satirical, thus breaking his bond with the imortal Aminites and marrieing his one true love Aragorn son of Dennis the Shrubber cousin of Ellen Degeneris or however you spell it.
And so ends a Hobbits Tale by Bilbo Baggins.
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Friday, April 1, 2011
What George Clooney Actually Does
George Clooney is a tall order to some, but in real life he is much much more. We know that he has super hero skills, playing as Batman in Batman and Robin, however Clooney is also a super hero in real life as well. George Clooney has the power to take anything that has already been done and make it cool again and seem original by doing it. For example the Caesar haircut.
Ever wonder why Clooney always does that look? You know, squint, look down, look up, bob head cockily? Well it isn't just because he forgot his line. When Clooney was thirteen he was exposed to a vast amount of silly putty that was stored in a warehouse next to the nuclear power plant that just exploded (kinda) in Japan. Many of you may be saying "too soon Logan, too soon" though the silly putty was sent back in time due to the explosion which is how Clooney came into contact with it when he was thirteen, so really even though the earthquake would be bad to joke about this soon (we all know it was due to Godzilla anyway, darn indigestion why do asian have to be so spicy) the joke is actually making fun of something that is many many years old. How old is Clooney anyway? I will Google it...born in 1961. So 61 plus 13 would be 74 and 2011 minus 1974 is (getting calculator program running) 37 years ago. Now everyone knows I passed third grade math.
The radiation from the silly putty gave Clooney super sight, he can see his script from any location but only if he does the look. Beyond that Clooney can do some minor things like look attractive to middle aged women and grow facial hair a bit better than if he didn't come in contact with the radioactive silly putty.
In 2003 Clooney went to Illinois to pick corn and yell at Ohio from a safe distance. No one knows why but Clooney isn't too fond of Ohio. In 2005 he died of lung cancer but was placed in the pet cemetery which due to the silly putty had no ill effects. In 2006 he ate fifteen burritos in ten minutes which happens to be the most burritos eaten in ten minutes in George Clooney's house. Nothing much happened at all in 2007 due to a 2,100 year old melon that was discovered by archaeologists in Japan that Clooney believed to be apart of DaVinci's code. He had seven haircuts in the year 2008.
Clooney is now learning how to brush his teeth like a big boy and beat the final level of Call of Duty. He fell in love, with himself. They have gone on five dates and he really hopes it will work out this time, Clooney popped the question spontaniously a few days ago and no answer has been released. He has 11 children which he often robs casinos with.
There is not much else to say about George Clooney. He is a man of many oddities and enjoys kittens and watches X-Files as often as he can. Sometimes Clooney will eat chinese food sometimes just chinese. Clooney loves Shakespear (no homo) and Maureen Johnson but only as a friend.
By the way I just found out that Clooney replied to Clooney's wedding request. He said, "No, the Cloon is a freebird and this bird cannot get tied down until he finds Sasquatch." Clooney is on his way now through Michigain to look for Satch in Canada, facing his fear of Canadians and frankophones in an attempt to win himself over.
Ever wonder why Clooney always does that look? You know, squint, look down, look up, bob head cockily? Well it isn't just because he forgot his line. When Clooney was thirteen he was exposed to a vast amount of silly putty that was stored in a warehouse next to the nuclear power plant that just exploded (kinda) in Japan. Many of you may be saying "too soon Logan, too soon" though the silly putty was sent back in time due to the explosion which is how Clooney came into contact with it when he was thirteen, so really even though the earthquake would be bad to joke about this soon (we all know it was due to Godzilla anyway, darn indigestion why do asian have to be so spicy) the joke is actually making fun of something that is many many years old. How old is Clooney anyway? I will Google it...born in 1961. So 61 plus 13 would be 74 and 2011 minus 1974 is (getting calculator program running) 37 years ago. Now everyone knows I passed third grade math.
The radiation from the silly putty gave Clooney super sight, he can see his script from any location but only if he does the look. Beyond that Clooney can do some minor things like look attractive to middle aged women and grow facial hair a bit better than if he didn't come in contact with the radioactive silly putty.
In 2003 Clooney went to Illinois to pick corn and yell at Ohio from a safe distance. No one knows why but Clooney isn't too fond of Ohio. In 2005 he died of lung cancer but was placed in the pet cemetery which due to the silly putty had no ill effects. In 2006 he ate fifteen burritos in ten minutes which happens to be the most burritos eaten in ten minutes in George Clooney's house. Nothing much happened at all in 2007 due to a 2,100 year old melon that was discovered by archaeologists in Japan that Clooney believed to be apart of DaVinci's code. He had seven haircuts in the year 2008.
Clooney is now learning how to brush his teeth like a big boy and beat the final level of Call of Duty. He fell in love, with himself. They have gone on five dates and he really hopes it will work out this time, Clooney popped the question spontaniously a few days ago and no answer has been released. He has 11 children which he often robs casinos with.
There is not much else to say about George Clooney. He is a man of many oddities and enjoys kittens and watches X-Files as often as he can. Sometimes Clooney will eat chinese food sometimes just chinese. Clooney loves Shakespear (no homo) and Maureen Johnson but only as a friend.
By the way I just found out that Clooney replied to Clooney's wedding request. He said, "No, the Cloon is a freebird and this bird cannot get tied down until he finds Sasquatch." Clooney is on his way now through Michigain to look for Satch in Canada, facing his fear of Canadians and frankophones in an attempt to win himself over.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
What Sarah Palin Actually Does in Alaska
Many people find that Sarah Palin is a good subject to read about or watch on TV. What they do not know is what she really does. In all actuallity Sarah Palin is a knight, a dragon slayer.
Dragons need cold to live, they are extremely hot blooded producing enough heat to instantly ignite air. The current high population of dragons explains what most people call "global warming." If dragons are allowed to breed unchecked then the world will overheat and we will have no more ice cream, so a select few (Sarah Palin, Gumby, your neighbor to the left, and the half of Kate Gosselin that isn't already a fire breather) spend their time controlling the population of dragons.
If they hunt dragons too much then the world will cool and hot tubs will stop working and if they let them get too high in population it will get too hot and Sub Zero wont be able to fight in the next Mortal Kombat tournament.
Sarah Palin is the most crucial of the dragon hunters for she hunts the most dangerous dragon of all, the communist dragon. The communist dragon is different from the other dragons in only one way, it is communist and if it had its way all the other dragons would have to give up all the wealth they worked so hard for just to support the dragons that don't want to hunt and pillage medieval castles for their survival.
She also hunts many other dragons such as the green dragon, the purple dragon, the girl with the dragon tattoo, magic Kimoto dragons, the dragon in the movie "Spirited Away," and Puff the magic dragon. Some dragons are able to go into dragon rehab where they convince angry dragons to be happy dragons like those found on many chinese food boxes and japanese animated shows. The most well known nice dragon was sealed away in the Dragon Balls first by Kame and later Dende but if you do not shoot energy out of your hands or have a dragon raidar you probably wont find them or are apart of the Red Ribbon Army (shame on you RR).
Sarah Palin was knighted by Lord Jesus of Oaxica and started dragon slaying in 1999, the blood of her first dragon killed is what Pepsi Clear was made of. But if anyone finds out about her killing dragons she will be fined four cents by Duncan MacLoud of the clan MacLoud who is the CEO of the international dragon slaying company "We Kill Dragons, Inc." which has till now remained completely unconnected with dragons or the slaying of such dragons in anyway.
Dragons need cold to live, they are extremely hot blooded producing enough heat to instantly ignite air. The current high population of dragons explains what most people call "global warming." If dragons are allowed to breed unchecked then the world will overheat and we will have no more ice cream, so a select few (Sarah Palin, Gumby, your neighbor to the left, and the half of Kate Gosselin that isn't already a fire breather) spend their time controlling the population of dragons.
If they hunt dragons too much then the world will cool and hot tubs will stop working and if they let them get too high in population it will get too hot and Sub Zero wont be able to fight in the next Mortal Kombat tournament.
Sarah Palin is the most crucial of the dragon hunters for she hunts the most dangerous dragon of all, the communist dragon. The communist dragon is different from the other dragons in only one way, it is communist and if it had its way all the other dragons would have to give up all the wealth they worked so hard for just to support the dragons that don't want to hunt and pillage medieval castles for their survival.
She also hunts many other dragons such as the green dragon, the purple dragon, the girl with the dragon tattoo, magic Kimoto dragons, the dragon in the movie "Spirited Away," and Puff the magic dragon. Some dragons are able to go into dragon rehab where they convince angry dragons to be happy dragons like those found on many chinese food boxes and japanese animated shows. The most well known nice dragon was sealed away in the Dragon Balls first by Kame and later Dende but if you do not shoot energy out of your hands or have a dragon raidar you probably wont find them or are apart of the Red Ribbon Army (shame on you RR).
Sarah Palin was knighted by Lord Jesus of Oaxica and started dragon slaying in 1999, the blood of her first dragon killed is what Pepsi Clear was made of. But if anyone finds out about her killing dragons she will be fined four cents by Duncan MacLoud of the clan MacLoud who is the CEO of the international dragon slaying company "We Kill Dragons, Inc." which has till now remained completely unconnected with dragons or the slaying of such dragons in anyway.
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