What Dogs Actually Do

Badass Dog and His Human

Besides being far better than fucking cats, dogs have a deep and rich heritage.

10,000 BCE - Dogs tame humans and provide them civilization and agriculture.

9,000 BCE - Dogs invent stone monoliths in which to nap.

2,000 BCE - Dogs invent metal tools but must give them to their humans due to 

                      lack of thumbs.

300 BCE - Dogs have formed glorious statues and fine crafts from metals and jewels.  

                   Doginidos named first King of Greece.

1 CE - Dogs aren't really religious so they focused on science while people killed
            eachother.

1200 CE - Dogs become powers on every continent for the first time since the Wolf Age.

1300 CE - Dogs hide El Dorado, their largest gambling metropolis.

1700 CE - Francis Drake leads Sea Dogs against bitch Spain.

1800 CE - The term "dawg" is coined in the south-eastern U.S.

1914 CE - WWI begins and dogs begin planning Hitler's assassination. (They are

                  no fools).

1945 CE - Luke Dogwalker and Hitler have a wicked lightsaber fight for the fate of all

                  humanity on the moon.

1969 CE - Dog scientists at DNASA (Dog NASA) prove once and for all that the moon was 

                  a myth.

1970's CE - Dogs become super big stoners after the 60's.

1980's CE - Urban dogs ride the stock market, while rural dogs reenact scenes from Breaking Bad.

1985 CE - Dogs invent the internet but have no thumbs and can't use computers.

1990's CE - Majority of dogs become alcoholics after the death of Cobain and the life of Courtney 

                     Love.

2000 CE - Dogs elect G.W. Bush as president and throw the biggest White House party since 

                   Andrew Jackson's.

2014 CE - Domestic dogs are still hungover from said party or are busy watching Netflix.


A Brief on Cats:

10,000 BCE - Be stuck up.

Present Day - Scratch random strangers.

What James Franco Actually Does

James Franco

(James Franco finds Seth Rogan in his house playing with a bunny on the floor.)

James- "Come on Seth, put the bunny down."

Seth- "But I l-like the b-bunnies George."

James- "Who the fuck is George?"

Danny McBride- "I'm George muthafucka, so suck my harry dick."

Seth- (snapping the bunny in two) "Fuck, now the b-bunny is asleep.  George, why wont the bunny wake up?"

Danny- "The bunny is dead, just like that guy you iced in that barn."

James- "What the freak!  Seth, you killed a guy?"

Seth- "I didn' mean ta George, I didn' mean ta."

Danny- "(sigh)Fucking retards."

James- "Guys, can somebody tell me what is going on?"

Danny- "Well, Seth and I got jobs at the orchard all them Mexicans work at so we could get money for cocaine."

James- (interrupts)"You were buying cocaine?!"

Danny- "Did I stutter?  We were doing fine until one of those tricky tan bastards slipped Seth over here some PCP.  It's been your Broadway show ever since."

Seth- "(crying hysterically)Wake up b-b-bunny, wake up!"

James- "Why is Seth retarded?"

Danny- "Well, after he got slipped the PCP the little shit ran headfirst into an orange tree; knocked all the oranges off."

James- "So he's concussed?  He has a concussion?"

Danny- "That or the wound in his head from where Pedro shot him after Seth tried to rape him."

Seth- "(still crying)I-I just w-wanted to play."

Danny- "Play my ass, you were trying to circle jerk the leathery one and Pedro you sick queer."

James- "Holy shit, how did I not see that gash?"

Danny- "It wasn't mentioned in the script until now."

Seth- "Hey guys, I'm starting to come back a little bit."

James- "Finally, Seth do you need to go to the hospital?"

Seth- "Uh, maybe, is the blood on my head mine or this bunny rabbits?"

James- "Let's just go."

(James and Seth exit stage left)

Seth- "Why is the bunny in half?  Did I miss Ozzy?"

What Vladimir Putin Does

https://www.flickr.com/photos/jedimentat/6230779369/

Please tell me you all know who the hell I am talking about?  The man who needs no hyperbole due his natural ability to be awesome at stuff.  Born 61 years ago the son of a virgin, Putin showed leadership prowess from the beginning.

 Immediately after his mother Serf Marry and his step-father Serf Joseph yanked him from the whom barehanded (the traditional ruski way) young Vladimir (which means fire breathing beast of vodka and caviar in communist) slayed a nine headed hydra by ramming it head on with a Russian automobile (basically a square piece of metal on wheels).  After killing a wolf with its own paws, Putin (now a man of 7 months old) returned to take the thrown of Russia.

What Putin soon realized was that, even though he slayed the hydra, he was still a 7 month old baby.  In Russia you have to be 8 months old to be President.  They don't really have names for political figures (Yes they do.)  No they don't.  Putin became Vladimir the Bear Killer.  Ironically, at this time Putin had only boxed bears for sport.  Never had he ever killed a bear.

Time passed and Putin devoured many a cave bear from the inside out.  By 6 years old Putin was unstoppable.  One day, a giant came to Moscow.  "I will eat all the serfs!"  Yelled the giant.  The serfs cheered in suicidal glee.  Vladimir Putin took out his trusty AK-47 (standard issue for Russian kindergardeners) and shot the giant to Hell.  His government was so impressed he got dinner that night and the next night too!

Many more battles raged.  Putin vs. the Giant Lobster, Putin vs. 9 North Korean Tanks, Putin vs. Krakatoa.  Putin winning each and every match.  Eventually he did so many awesome things that the country of Russia decided they wanted him to be the Supreme HotDog of Russia.  (You don't know what his title is do you?)  Yes I do.  (Oh yeah, what is it?)  Pope?  (What does America have?)  A monkey!  (A President.)  In this case it is the same thing...

What Tiger Woods Actually Does

He used to be good at golf.  Now he is focused on other holes.  Really?  That was forever ago.  Not those holes, black holes.  We kinda thought that was implied.  No, you racist bastards, like giant funnel kinda black hole.  Tiger became a rocket-ship designer in 14853 Alien Time or 2002 AD.

After winning the US Open for his second time or so he decided to try other things.  Those things included beer, PS Move, Wii Golf, porn, hookers, bar girls, barbells, re-bar,  crow bar, bar stools, Barbra Walters and BBQ.  Oh wait that was John Gosling.

Tiger eventually fell into a deep love with space and black holes are just where he stuck.  It seems like he just got to black holes and just dived into them.  No Tiger Woods didn't just scratch the surface, when people asked him about black holes he replied, "I can't just give tips on black holes, it's the whole thing or nothing."

He is now competing with Stephen Hawking for the title of Best Black Hole Expert.  Of course Alan Thicke is a close third.

What Anime Characters Actually Do

We all know anime characters do some crazy shit.  However, what we do not know is that they are actually normal people like you and me.

Anime characters live normal lives.  Yes, they eat a lot of sea food and never shave, but they also go to school and fight demon monsters.  Like normal people anime characters reveal their panties all the damn time and everyone is beautiful and sexy.

Anime characters go to super schools stuffed with rich kids and multi-billion dollar clubs, become child explores that fight monsters, kill demons and loads of other stuff that normal people do too.

Did I mention the ten gallon boobs, since when have those not been the norm am I right.

So remember, next time you see an anime character remember that they are normal people, and that's why Peter Chao wears sunglasses.

What Adolf Hitler Actually Does

Most of you probably think that Adolf Hitler is dead, some of you know the truth.  Adolf Hitler did not take a pill of poison, he merely dropped some acid and in his trip began a journey that we often tell our children before they go to bed (I know I tell it to my children.  You don't have children.  Not that you, or DFS, know of).  The story began in 1952.

There was a war going on then I think, but due to the Ice Age it was a cold war.  Adolf Hitler began working as an accountant (Irony, right?).  He was living in Long Beach when he decided to get certified as an appraiser for housing, so he moved to Chicago.

Now I don't know what all you know about Chicago in the '50's but it was still a small feudal village ruled by Lord Dugalo.  Hitler found much wealth under the rule of Lord Dugalo.  However, when he heard that the X-Men were fighting Cuba (or something, I still haven't seen that movie) he knew he would have to use his powers to help.

Hitler then boarded the first unicorn to Narnia where he would ride the Lion fella to London to flip off their "radar."  After that he decided to eat some nachos and changed his name to Tim Tebow or however Tebow is spelled (Can't you just look it up, you are on the computer right now?  Eh.)  which is why I keep hearing his name in other peoples conversations.  I don't know why people care so much about Tim Tebow, so he is a good basketball player or something, is it not more impressive that he is Hitler?  And now you know how to apply lipstick before a big date.

What Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryan Gosling Actually Do

Hello there space cadets!  Why, we have a show for you.  Today, kids, we are going to talk about the cutest couple the world has ever seen, Leo and Ryan!  (Don't tell us you are going to talk like that this entire time?  Why shouldn't I?  It is fun and refreshing.  It is stupid and makes us want to kill ourselves.  Us?  Ourselves?  Plural?!?  As in more than one!!?  CONGRATULATIONS on being the second reader!  Myself being the first of course.  To celebrate we are not going to talk like stupid heads but instead we are going to get down to business.)

Leo and Ryan became a couple in 1995 the same year the T-Rex went extinct, (science would have you believe it happened a bit sooner but the last T-Rex offed itself after it heard Smells Like Teen Spirit played simultaneously with Wonder Wall).    Anyway, they met at a Pepsi Clear convention in Sedona, AZ. and instantly fell in love.

I don't like them, Lori, because I was going to announce that I could read at that very same convention and they ruined my spotlight.  So from that point forward I swore to avenge...myself?...by never liking them.  Except in Titanic and Leo's appearances in Growing Pains!