What Taylor Lautner Actually Does

Besides make me angry that I can't watch that movie about the kid with the parents that aren't his and the spy stuff and what not, Taylor Lautner gets his name mispronounced a lot.  That is what comes to most peoples minds when they think of what Taylor Lautner does.  Only you Logan.  Come on, are you telling me you aren't angry too?  We are, but first thing we think of is sexy wolf boy.  I really need to get some guys to read this, boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs, that should do it.

There is much more to this 12 year old boy than meets the eye.  By day he is a prepubescent boy, but by night he is actually...you guessed it...George Michael.  (Sound of minds BLOWING).  Yes, the seven year old actor Taylor Lautner is actually the same person that gave us Jitterbug and got arrested at least twice for gay bathroom sex.  You may be wondering how this is possible?  We are sure you are going to tell us.

In 1492 Columbus discovered the Americas, a little while later Cortez conquered the Aztec Empire.  When he did so he met with a counsel of elders that were announcers for ESPN the Aztec.  The announcers described in great detail, especially Aztec John Madden, the location of a magic land called El Fiesta or, in translated into English, the Opossum.  So Cortez searched for the magical Opossum land.  When he could no longer search he left a note in a bottle and buried it.

Several years later, probably around 1771 a man was on the run from the Revolution stuff that was going on.  He ran all the way through Indian country (although lost all his money at the Wampum and Pipe Casino) and into Central America.  He desperately lusted after the casino and began to dig for truffles so that he might sell them and be able to gamble again.  In doing so he found the bottle with the tale of the magic land.

He had seen many Opossum in America and new that he could find his fortune if he returned.  This man of course was George Michael.  You probably know that George Michael is gay, no worries girls he isn't when he is Taylor Lautner, well actually he is but we will get to that later.  Gay people do not know how to do anything, so of course he was not able to find his way back.  He ended up in Nevada and started his own casino and called it Caesar's Palace, around it other homosexuals gathered and did stuff.

Over time George Michael began to come out of the closet (it was dark in there and his leg had fallen asleep).  So he activated the Opossum power and created a new being.  He conducted a ritual that would turn him into the perfect mate for whomever he was thinking about, sadly Thriller came on the radio right before the ritual finished and he became Taylor Lautner, looks like an eight year old boy, whines like a seventeen year old hoe sack.  It is this that makes his voice so high and the reason he is not gay is that, he is actually a girl?  Are you asking us?  Asking you what?  Asking if he is a girl?  There is a question mark at the end of the sentence.  Oh, I just thought that that was a fancy exclamation mark.  You know because it is squiggly.  You're retarded.  Debby!  Next.  DEBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  That makes no sense.  We do not get your obscure reference to something that has no relevance to anything you talked about.  You are all just jealous because I have this awesome blog and you have nothing.  Is this blog all you have?  Why are you even here?  Because I have no where else to go (sobbing).  Here we go again.

What Anne Hathaway Actually Does

Nothing.  She does nothing.  She doesn't act, she just stands around and gets filmed.  She doesn't even play different characters in movies, her roles are suppose to be different but she just acts the same in all of them.  She doesn't do anything funny or interesting.  She ruins Batman, I saw a picture of her in the new movie and she may literally kill the movie.  She is just a very uninteresting person.  Am I the only person who realizes this?  Think of one thing she does neat?  You can't.  She does nothing

What Cowboys Really Do

Moo, moo, moo.  Cowboys have wrangled cows in the wild west for thousands of years.  Logan, cowboys haven't even been around for 200 years.  You are thinking negative my friend, you need to get out more and be an active member of society.  Is that what you call writing this crap alone?  I'ml not alone I'm in public.  Oh so you are one of those guys who writes out in public even though you aren't very good because you just want attention?  Yes I am, I mean, nooooo.

Anywho, Cowboys began ca 9000 B.C.E. when dinosaurs ruled the earth.  Dinosaurs were already dead.  Um, yeah, because of all the Cowboys.  Besides, not all the dinosaurs were dead, birds are dinosaurs.  Your mom's a dinosaur.  How did you know?

The Cowboys decided that dinosaurs were too dangerous and would eat all of the people.  To prevent this from happening the Cowboys road their rocket horses into space and wrangled up a meteorite.  They drove the meteor to earth where it exploded.  This is the story you probably heard in elementary school.  What your teacher didn't tell you is that the meteor didn't actually do any damage to anything, there was something secret inside of the meteor, Andy Dick.

They don't explain this to you in school because it takes some following to understand.  First, dinosaurs are inherently cool, that is why you buy them as toys and watch Jurassic Park even though Jeff Goldbloom is the only good actor (take that Colonel Sanders).  Since they are cool they must be cool.  Andy Dick, however, is uncool.  He is so uncool that being around him makes even the coolest of things uncool (except He-Man nothing makes He-Man uncool).  This created diminished the equilibrium of coolness which made all the dinosaurs move to the moon.

So next time you think to yourself, "Man, I really love cereal," remember that you can eat that cereal thanks to the men and women who died serving our country.  We were talking about dinosaurs and cowboys and stuff.  Oh.  So next time you wonder why there are no dinosaurs remember that James Bond killed them all because he is so awesome.  You said Andy Dick killed them because he is so uncool.  No I didn't.  It says so right up there, you didn't even bother to change your story you just made up an ending that makes no sense.  Prove it.

What Lonely People Actually Do

I have recently began my first year at college.  It is the first time since kindergarten that I have not known people at my school.  My first week I generally ate alone, I am a commuter so I didn't even have a roommate that was forced to be somewhat friendly with me.  I know that most of the time I use bad humor and make jokes about people like Andy Dick or Stacy from What Not to Wear.  (Logan you haven't made fun of either of them.  I haven't?  No.  Well I should have.)  Sometimes I even make fun of poor helpless animals like the horrifying beast that is your mom.  (Weren't you just talking about how you are a loser with no friends?  I have three friends now thank you, and two of them are real.  Or one of them, when you are as lonely as me reality gets a bit jumbled.)

Anyway, I am currently sitting at my college writing this post looking at this guy who looks like he is having the same issue.  I have been here for about three weeks now and have established a small group of pretty close friends.  These are people that I feel very close to, which I never really had even in high school.  I am not lonely anymore, but this guy seems to be.  I am about to talk to him, but no one talked to me.  Maybe it is because I feel like I should be a better person or maybe just because I can understand when before I did not.

Lonely people long to not be lonely.  It is human nature.  I am not going to say that people don't ever want to be alone, but no one wants to be lonely.  So, to the two of you (I think there are two if Lori's friend is reading this poop still, see what I did I tried to make you feel important.  They don't read it Logan, you have to put your own words in italics like someone else is replying just to cope with how pathetic you are.  Um, I don't do that.  You are literally doing it right now.  Pshh, you must be crazy.  Logan?  *crying* I just want to be loved alright?  I just want to be loved.)

I am challenging everyone who reads this to talk to someone who looks lonely and then tell me about it.  (When will you tell us the real hard facts again Logan?  When I have created a new world, a better world, probably tomorrow.)

What Snookie Actually Does

Long before the dawn of time there was a really ok-ish looking being. This being, however, wanted to be beautiful and pure. The being who was only so-so on the attractiveness scale wanted to cast all the ugliness and stupididy out.

He/she (both?) created the universe. With a giant cosmos the being could banish the side of himself/herslef he/she (it?) called Snookie. So it did. Of course Snookie is a woman because the being wanted to be awesome which means it needed to cast out the woman side of itself (you're the one believing this creation story don't get mad at me).

Snookie floated in space only stoppy when near red suns for tans and at the Vegas Bomb galaxy to party. Eventually Snookie found a nice peaceful planet named Earth.

She was not accepted by us however (she is a monsterous being of alien proportions you know... and fake proportions. Get it? Fake boobs and tan and hair and whatnot? If you aren't going to laugh at my jokes don't bother reading my blog. Just kidding please keep reading... Hello?... I love you?)

She was put in a zoo called the Jersey Shore due to her being an awful person (partially because she is an alien or something, I slept wrote the start of this. Who are we talking about? Malcom in the Middle?) Well then Reese was being all mean to Malcom and Malcom had a sidebar with the camera and the end. You know the episode I'm talking about right? Screw you I'm spent.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7