What Dogs Actually Do

Badass Dog and His Human

Besides being far better than fucking cats, dogs have a deep and rich heritage.

10,000 BCE - Dogs tame humans and provide them civilization and agriculture.

9,000 BCE - Dogs invent stone monoliths in which to nap.

2,000 BCE - Dogs invent metal tools but must give them to their humans due to 

                      lack of thumbs.

300 BCE - Dogs have formed glorious statues and fine crafts from metals and jewels.  

                   Doginidos named first King of Greece.

1 CE - Dogs aren't really religious so they focused on science while people killed
            eachother.

1200 CE - Dogs become powers on every continent for the first time since the Wolf Age.

1300 CE - Dogs hide El Dorado, their largest gambling metropolis.

1700 CE - Francis Drake leads Sea Dogs against bitch Spain.

1800 CE - The term "dawg" is coined in the south-eastern U.S.

1914 CE - WWI begins and dogs begin planning Hitler's assassination. (They are

                  no fools).

1945 CE - Luke Dogwalker and Hitler have a wicked lightsaber fight for the fate of all

                  humanity on the moon.

1969 CE - Dog scientists at DNASA (Dog NASA) prove once and for all that the moon was 

                  a myth.

1970's CE - Dogs become super big stoners after the 60's.

1980's CE - Urban dogs ride the stock market, while rural dogs reenact scenes from Breaking Bad.

1985 CE - Dogs invent the internet but have no thumbs and can't use computers.

1990's CE - Majority of dogs become alcoholics after the death of Cobain and the life of Courtney 

                     Love.

2000 CE - Dogs elect G.W. Bush as president and throw the biggest White House party since 

                   Andrew Jackson's.

2014 CE - Domestic dogs are still hungover from said party or are busy watching Netflix.


A Brief on Cats:

10,000 BCE - Be stuck up.

Present Day - Scratch random strangers.

What James Franco Actually Does

James Franco

(James Franco finds Seth Rogan in his house playing with a bunny on the floor.)

James- "Come on Seth, put the bunny down."

Seth- "But I l-like the b-bunnies George."

James- "Who the fuck is George?"

Danny McBride- "I'm George muthafucka, so suck my harry dick."

Seth- (snapping the bunny in two) "Fuck, now the b-bunny is asleep.  George, why wont the bunny wake up?"

Danny- "The bunny is dead, just like that guy you iced in that barn."

James- "What the freak!  Seth, you killed a guy?"

Seth- "I didn' mean ta George, I didn' mean ta."

Danny- "(sigh)Fucking retards."

James- "Guys, can somebody tell me what is going on?"

Danny- "Well, Seth and I got jobs at the orchard all them Mexicans work at so we could get money for cocaine."

James- (interrupts)"You were buying cocaine?!"

Danny- "Did I stutter?  We were doing fine until one of those tricky tan bastards slipped Seth over here some PCP.  It's been your Broadway show ever since."

Seth- "(crying hysterically)Wake up b-b-bunny, wake up!"

James- "Why is Seth retarded?"

Danny- "Well, after he got slipped the PCP the little shit ran headfirst into an orange tree; knocked all the oranges off."

James- "So he's concussed?  He has a concussion?"

Danny- "That or the wound in his head from where Pedro shot him after Seth tried to rape him."

Seth- "(still crying)I-I just w-wanted to play."

Danny- "Play my ass, you were trying to circle jerk the leathery one and Pedro you sick queer."

James- "Holy shit, how did I not see that gash?"

Danny- "It wasn't mentioned in the script until now."

Seth- "Hey guys, I'm starting to come back a little bit."

James- "Finally, Seth do you need to go to the hospital?"

Seth- "Uh, maybe, is the blood on my head mine or this bunny rabbits?"

James- "Let's just go."

(James and Seth exit stage left)

Seth- "Why is the bunny in half?  Did I miss Ozzy?"

What Vladimir Putin Does

https://www.flickr.com/photos/jedimentat/6230779369/

Please tell me you all know who the hell I am talking about?  The man who needs no hyperbole due his natural ability to be awesome at stuff.  Born 61 years ago the son of a virgin, Putin showed leadership prowess from the beginning.

 Immediately after his mother Serf Marry and his step-father Serf Joseph yanked him from the whom barehanded (the traditional ruski way) young Vladimir (which means fire breathing beast of vodka and caviar in communist) slayed a nine headed hydra by ramming it head on with a Russian automobile (basically a square piece of metal on wheels).  After killing a wolf with its own paws, Putin (now a man of 7 months old) returned to take the thrown of Russia.

What Putin soon realized was that, even though he slayed the hydra, he was still a 7 month old baby.  In Russia you have to be 8 months old to be President.  They don't really have names for political figures (Yes they do.)  No they don't.  Putin became Vladimir the Bear Killer.  Ironically, at this time Putin had only boxed bears for sport.  Never had he ever killed a bear.

Time passed and Putin devoured many a cave bear from the inside out.  By 6 years old Putin was unstoppable.  One day, a giant came to Moscow.  "I will eat all the serfs!"  Yelled the giant.  The serfs cheered in suicidal glee.  Vladimir Putin took out his trusty AK-47 (standard issue for Russian kindergardeners) and shot the giant to Hell.  His government was so impressed he got dinner that night and the next night too!

Many more battles raged.  Putin vs. the Giant Lobster, Putin vs. 9 North Korean Tanks, Putin vs. Krakatoa.  Putin winning each and every match.  Eventually he did so many awesome things that the country of Russia decided they wanted him to be the Supreme HotDog of Russia.  (You don't know what his title is do you?)  Yes I do.  (Oh yeah, what is it?)  Pope?  (What does America have?)  A monkey!  (A President.)  In this case it is the same thing...