What Vladimir Putin Does

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Please tell me you all know who the hell I am talking about?  The man who needs no hyperbole due his natural ability to be awesome at stuff.  Born 61 years ago the son of a virgin, Putin showed leadership prowess from the beginning.

 Immediately after his mother Serf Marry and his step-father Serf Joseph yanked him from the whom barehanded (the traditional ruski way) young Vladimir (which means fire breathing beast of vodka and caviar in communist) slayed a nine headed hydra by ramming it head on with a Russian automobile (basically a square piece of metal on wheels).  After killing a wolf with its own paws, Putin (now a man of 7 months old) returned to take the thrown of Russia.

What Putin soon realized was that, even though he slayed the hydra, he was still a 7 month old baby.  In Russia you have to be 8 months old to be President.  They don't really have names for political figures (Yes they do.)  No they don't.  Putin became Vladimir the Bear Killer.  Ironically, at this time Putin had only boxed bears for sport.  Never had he ever killed a bear.

Time passed and Putin devoured many a cave bear from the inside out.  By 6 years old Putin was unstoppable.  One day, a giant came to Moscow.  "I will eat all the serfs!"  Yelled the giant.  The serfs cheered in suicidal glee.  Vladimir Putin took out his trusty AK-47 (standard issue for Russian kindergardeners) and shot the giant to Hell.  His government was so impressed he got dinner that night and the next night too!

Many more battles raged.  Putin vs. the Giant Lobster, Putin vs. 9 North Korean Tanks, Putin vs. Krakatoa.  Putin winning each and every match.  Eventually he did so many awesome things that the country of Russia decided they wanted him to be the Supreme HotDog of Russia.  (You don't know what his title is do you?)  Yes I do.  (Oh yeah, what is it?)  Pope?  (What does America have?)  A monkey!  (A President.)  In this case it is the same thing...