What Dogs Actually Do

Badass Dog and His Human

Besides being far better than fucking cats, dogs have a deep and rich heritage.

10,000 BCE - Dogs tame humans and provide them civilization and agriculture.

9,000 BCE - Dogs invent stone monoliths in which to nap.

2,000 BCE - Dogs invent metal tools but must give them to their humans due to 

                      lack of thumbs.

300 BCE - Dogs have formed glorious statues and fine crafts from metals and jewels.  

                   Doginidos named first King of Greece.

1 CE - Dogs aren't really religious so they focused on science while people killed
            eachother.

1200 CE - Dogs become powers on every continent for the first time since the Wolf Age.

1300 CE - Dogs hide El Dorado, their largest gambling metropolis.

1700 CE - Francis Drake leads Sea Dogs against bitch Spain.

1800 CE - The term "dawg" is coined in the south-eastern U.S.

1914 CE - WWI begins and dogs begin planning Hitler's assassination. (They are

                  no fools).

1945 CE - Luke Dogwalker and Hitler have a wicked lightsaber fight for the fate of all

                  humanity on the moon.

1969 CE - Dog scientists at DNASA (Dog NASA) prove once and for all that the moon was 

                  a myth.

1970's CE - Dogs become super big stoners after the 60's.

1980's CE - Urban dogs ride the stock market, while rural dogs reenact scenes from Breaking Bad.

1985 CE - Dogs invent the internet but have no thumbs and can't use computers.

1990's CE - Majority of dogs become alcoholics after the death of Cobain and the life of Courtney 

                     Love.

2000 CE - Dogs elect G.W. Bush as president and throw the biggest White House party since 

                   Andrew Jackson's.

2014 CE - Domestic dogs are still hungover from said party or are busy watching Netflix.


A Brief on Cats:

10,000 BCE - Be stuck up.

Present Day - Scratch random strangers.